Challenges of Being a Father in the 21st Century
1. What are the challenges of being a father in the 21st century compare to the old days?
In the old days fatherhood was less complicated. We earned the money and made sure that the family had food and a roof over their heads. Perhaps once in a while we also called upon to play “bad cop” and punish the kids. The nurturing, the teaching, the caring was the responsibility of the mothers and a no-fly zone for the fathers, so we never worried about it.
Now fathers are expected to spend time with the children. We’re expected to play with them, help them with the school work, take them out on weekends, bathe them, dress them and put them to sleep. Fatherhood has become a full-contact sport again; with a growing emphasis being placed on the presence of the father figure.
2. Please share with us your personal experience being one?
Personally, I’m glad that fathers today have an important role to play in raising our children. I enjoy being with my children. It’s a gift and a blessing. Yet I also acknowledge that the growing expectations on me as a father have also raised new challenges.
3. What is the biggest challenge faced as 21st century father?
The biggest challenge most fathers faced is the limited time and energy to spend with their kids. We’re running on empty; having been squeezed dry in our workplaces.
Rajan, a father of 2 shares:
“I’m just so tired by the time I get home from work that I don’t feel like doing anything except sit on the couch and watch TV or listen to some music. As much as I want to play with the kids and do things with them, I’m just so drained.”
Zulkifli, a father of 3 who is a partner at a large law firm shares similar sentiments:
“Most days I’m back from work at about 10pm. The children are usually asleep by then, so I don’t have time with them at all. I’ve thought about quitting to join another company; but most firms are the same.”
This lack of time and energy can be a source of guilt for many fathers. “Honestly, I feel bad for not being at home more often, and helping my wife with the kids. They’re growing up so fast and I feel that I’m missing the most important parts of their life,” shares Jack, a father of 3 children who runs his own accounting firm,
“I guess I could give up my business, but that’s too hard for me. The money is good, and I am securing a better future for the whole family. I would like to spend more time with my children, but it’s also important to have the money to send them to university later.”
Jack’s words highlight the inner conflict and tension that most fathers experience; between being the father-provider and being the father-nurturer. This tension is created by the fact that many industries demand long hours from staff, and make work-family balance extremely difficult.
4. What is your advice for 21st century father who has limited time and energy?
Some of us may not have many hours with our children, but the few moments we do have should be spent well. Time and energy may be scarce, but quality is more important that quantity.
” I make it a point when I’m home to really focus on my children,” shares Dr Lee, a surgeon. “At least 1 hour a day, I give my time to the children, whether it be playing together, reading together, going out, talking about our day, or helping them with their work. I find this makes a big difference.”
Mr Wong takes a different approach, “To me it’s about saving energy for my children. When I’m at work, I don’t use up all my energy; it’s about mentally reminding myself that I need to save something for my family at home. It’s like rationing petrol.”
5. What other tips do you have for 21st century fathers?
Sometimes our children just want our attention more than anything else. We may not have the energy everyday to run around with them or to take them out, but we certainly have the energy to listen to them and to be “totally present” to them so that they feel significant and important.
Perhaps that’s part of the discipline of being a father today; learning how to keep the stresses and worries of our workplace away from the home so that we can spend quality time with our kids.
“When I’m having a stressful day, I make sure I de-stress before I spend time with my kids,” sharesAmran, a father of 3. “I go for a jog, or listen to music in my car, or have a nice, long, hot shower. This way, when I am with my kids, I am already relaxed and ready to be with them. In the past I used to shout at them when I was having a bad day. Now I find myself free to enjoy my time with them.”
6. A word of encouragement for fathers out there?
Perhaps as fathers we need to remind ourselves that our children are not one more chore to complete, or one more responsibility that burdens us. Our children should be our joy. Of course its challenging at times. Our children are not angels. There will be times when it is tiring and hard. But at the end of it all, surely all of us realize that this opportunity to be a father is a blessing more than a curse.
Our children grow up so quickly. Soon they will be adults, eagles that have flown from the nest. These few years we have, these few moments, are to be preciously enjoyed and kept.
There will also be work to do in the office. There will always be problems to solve; it is infinite. But I bet at the end of our lives, at our death beds, very few of us will regret not spending more time at work.
Let’s embrace our role as fathers. Let us be committed to setting aside quality time for our children. Let them not feel less important than our careers. Let our actions speak louder than words.
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Dr Goh Chee Leong, Dean of the Faculty of Behavioral Sciences at HELP University College and Vice President of the Malaysian Psychological Association, shared on The Wonders of Fatherhood: Preparing to be a 21st Century working father, during Delightful Tea Party for lil bumps organized by Pitter Patter and sponsored by Friso mum Gold from Dutch Lady, 10 Oct 2010@ Carcosa Seri Negara
