By Dr Goh Chee Leong

Psychologist, HELP University & Director of HELP International School

PhD in Psychology (University of Otago, New Zealand)

 HELP University and HELP International School
Tip #1: Have time alone as a couple

 

Most couples spend time together after childbirth only when they are looking after their infant. This makes the infant the focal point of their relationship. Often, this pattern continues even when the children start to grow up. Feeding the children, getting them ready for school, making sure they stay healthy, managing naughty behaviours, helping them with the homework – these can become the only things married couples think and talk about if they are not careful.

 

The key is to create opportunities to see each other as lovers rather than just mothers and fathers. To do that, the couple needs to spend time with each other in a different setting – without the children around. Some couples refer to these times as “date nights”, and I recommend couples do this at least once every fortnight.

 

Couples should get someone they both trust to watch the baby for two or three hours so that they will not worry about the child.

 

Spend that time having dinner together, catching a movie or concert, or just have some coffee and dessert around the corner.

 

 

Tip #2: Clarify roles and expectations

 

Many couples struggle to cope with the arrival of their new infant because both mother and father have different ideas about what role the other parent plays. This is often the top source of tension and conflict between spouses.

 

Wives may expect husbands to do more to help out with the new infant. Husbands may feel that the wives should handle everything, leaving them to focus on their occupation.

 

This difference in expectations can lead to tension and conflict if they are not dealt with.  The key is to communicate explicitly about what each person expects. Differences at the beginning are expected and discussion can lead to a compromise that both parties are comfortable with.

 

The enemy of communication is assumption. When we assume our spouse understands what we want and need, we fail to communicate with them.

 

 

Tip #3: Get help when needed

 

The reality is that many couples are unable to handle all their responsibilities by themselves. The sooner you admit that you need help, the better.

 

On certain days and at certain times you may need the help of relatives, friends and, perhaps, domestic helpers in order to cope with the added responsibilities that having a child brings. Help may take the form of babysitting the child for a few hours a day, or assistance with the household chores.

 

There is no shame in this. It does not mean you have failed as a parent or spouse. This is the reality of modern day, urban living.

 

Failure to realise and embrace this will bring much tension to the marriage as both husband and wife struggle to cope. Feeling stressed out and being overwhelmed can break marriages apart.

 

So, be honest with each other. If you are not coping well with the workload, come up with a plan to recruit help and resources which will give your marriage a bit more breathing space.

 

 

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