Serena Sinniah

Clinical Psychologist, Manager

B.A. (Drake) (Psychology, Rhetoric, Communication Studies), MClinPsy (UKM)

Centre for Psychological and Counseling Services, HELP Universtiy

Why does my child throw temper tantrums?

A child’s temper tantrum is an emotional outburst that can start all of a sudden, seemingly at the most inconvenient times and places, and may last for quite awhile. Toddlers seem to be especially prone to expressing themselves through temper tantrums as they only have a limited vocabulary to share how they feel and need to assert themselves in their world – something that is healthy and normal. It’s important to remind yourself that children between the ages of one and three years old are unlikely to use tantrums as a form of manipulation. Try to understand the source of his tantrums.

These are a few possible reasons for toddlers/young children to throw a temper tantrum:

• Your child is finding it difficult to access something he wants and is unable to verbally express that he needs help
• He could be hungry, tired, falling sick or uncomfortable in some way
• He wants more independence and feels restrained or limited in his movements
• He has been emotionally upset for a few days and is not able to cope with the frustration
• He feels the need for reassurance and security and is asking for your attention
• He has been under stress due to an upheaval in the family, such frequent arguments between parents

 

  How do I respond to temper tantrums?

Once you are able to understand and accept that there is a reasonable reason for a temper tantrum and that your child is not out to give you a difficult time, you may want to respond in the following ways to address the situation:

• Stay calm. Don’t lose your temper and your reasoning ability. If you are wound up, you may want to address your own frustrations before responding to your child by simply acknowledging that you are stressed out about other issues.
• Don’t react excessively. Avoid giving too much positive or negative attention. It may not be helpful in the long run to give in to your child or praise him when he is screaming as he may learn that screaming gets him what he wants. On the other hand, it is also important to avoid being punitive or threatening such as by saying, “I’m not going to like you anymore if you keep whining,” as this may show that you don’t understand or accept him.
• Time out. When in a safe and appropriate setting, some time out may be helpful when administered according to the child’s age. Be reasonable with how long you expect your little one to stay put. Remember to be consistent and use this method when he is unable to calm down easily with verbal instruction.
• Negotiate at the right time. Expect your child to behave his age and not try to negotiate when he is too frustrated to understand your expectations. Keep explanations simple and to the point, for example, “Mummy understands that you’re not happy about leaving the store, but now it’s time to go home, have a snack and rest.”
• Talk it over. When your child has calmed down, take the time to talk to him. For example: “You didn’t want me to put away the toys in that corner because you still wanted to play with them. I’m sorry. Now that you are not crying and screaming, I can hear you better.”
• Show love and understanding. Help your child realise that you love him and that you understand that he is trying to communicate that he is not happy about something. For instance, “I understand that you became upset when we have to leave the swimming pool. We can’t play here too long because we might catch a cold. We can go swimming again soon because it’s so much fun.”

Can I prevent tantrums?

Although it isn’t uncommon for young children to have temper tantrums, many tantrums are preventable. Here are a few tips to prevent a tantrum from developing:

• Identify the triggers. Does your child tend to throw tantrums when he is tired, overstimulated, or hungry? Address these issues before a tantrum erupts.
• Address the discomfort. Does your child tend to play more roughly with his toys or whine or grumble before a full tantrum erupts? Intervene and address his discomforts or frustrations before a full flare-up.
• Plan ahead. If your little one is sensitive to changes and needs help with transitioning from one situation to another, prepare a few favorite toys/activities that help him adapt and stay calm when he becomes stressed out.
• Provide basic needs. Prepare snacks to carry along on outings if he becomes easily agitated when hungry. Also, provide a place for him to rest, such as his stroller – and bring along his favorite bear!
• Keep trips short. If your child becomes restless and bored easily, make your outings short or plan for breaks in between long trips.
• Engage your child. Let your child help you with basic tasks like putting laundry away so that he is able to engage in an activity with you.
• Encourage positive behaviors. Praise your child for positive and desirable behaviors.
• Offer control and choices. This helps your child feel secure in his environment and promotes self-expression.
• Set a good example. Avoid overreacting at the slightest provocation.
• Spend quality time together. Most importantly, take time to play with and talk to your child regularly so that you are able to bond with him and be a strong source of support.

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